I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas...if by hippopotamus, you mean a candy thermometer that works. I hear these are not hard to come by, that they come in many a variety and type and that everyone has an opinion on their favorite one. There are glass ones, digital ones and even infrared ones. I'm intrigued by the infrared variety as their use applies to candy making. They measure surface temperature. I wonder how that varies from internal temperature of a boiling napalm like sugar syrup? I am inclined to find out.
I currently possess a large glass thermometer from before my goddess-y days that I have recently discovered is as reliable as a weatherman. Reliability and accuracy are not required in all things in life. I'm okay with the occasional 'ish'. We'll be there at 9-ish, bring a coat it's chilly-ish. In candy making though, 'ish' just will not do. Soft ball and hard crack are two completely different chemical states and produce two completely different results in a finished product.
Now, I must admit that having no candy thermometer does not take this Goddess completely out of the game. There is always the water test. When sugar is rapidly cooled in cold water it will tell you how it will finish. Each of the common stages of cooked sugar has a name like soft ball and the evil, 'you blew it' black jack. To truly appreciate this magic trick, check out this chart:
http://www.baking911.com/candy/chart.htm
For extra mad scientist fun, try creating something from each stage of the chart. (except black jack - no one should do that to an innocent smoke detector) Get a feel for the sugar's look, smell, taste and character at each stage as well. It's amazing. Now, find someone to share all this candy with before you send yourself into a diabetic coma. And for goodness sake - if you are the family of the Pastry Goddess, get her a decent d**n candy thermometer for Christmas.